September 3, 2016 WATER, WATER, WATER How many folks do you know who say they don’t want to drink anything before going to bed because they’ll have to get up during the night!! Somethin…
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How Government Employees Got Started
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”
A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
“Beauty Contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I am entering” said Snow White.
After half an hour Snow White comes out and they ask her,
“Well, how did you do?”
“First place,” said Snow White.
They continue walking when they see a second sign:
“Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
“I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him,
“How did you make out?”
“First place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign:
“Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
Pinocchio says “This is mine.”
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” They asked…….
Pinocchio answers… “Who the HELL is Hillary Clinton?”
OLD BUTCH
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.
If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken.
FARM MATH
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL IS 17
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!
A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!
A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said,” Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said: “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned…”
April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned…”
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Aphorism
Aphorism = “An aphorism is a concise statement that is made in a matter of fact tone to state a principle or an opinion that is generally understood to be a universal truth. Aphorisms are often adages, wise sayings and maxims aimed at imparting sense and wisdom. It is to be noted that aphorisms are usually witty and curt and often have an underlying tone of authority to them”
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the
right number.
13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than in a Ford.
19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.
21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.
And REMEMBER….
“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”
Does a Fast Food Worker need $15 and hour?
For those fast food employees striking for $15 an hour, let’s do some math.
At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy working 40 hours per week would make $30,000 annually.
An E1 (Private) in the military makes $18,378 annually.
An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067 annually.
So you’re telling me, Sally McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments, and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting an unskilled individual?
Here’s the deal Sweetheart Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in high school who is actually supposed to be learning how to work and earning enough for gas, movies, and hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals.
If you have chosen this as your life long profession, you have failed.
If you don’t want minimum wage, don’t have minimum skills.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it’s in English, thank a Veteran.
Inspirational Quote of the Day: Heartbeats
Can’t be said much better!
Centinel2012 