The Fact Biden Can Only Read, But Not Think, is a Democrat Party Asset
After delivering a highly effective ultra-processed speech product to the Democrat Convention – apparently plagiarized – Joe Biden attended a lively after-event fest. Having already shoveled onto Americans many large, warm and greasy hunks of deep-fried baloney, Biden paused a moment to salute a man he considers his biggest single influence. Barack Obama, or his brawny consort Michelle? No. Instead, he saluted King Friday, Mister Rogers Neighborhood’s Sovereign.
King Friday, Immortal Puppet
Caught unawares, the euphoric post-convention crowd was stunned at Biden’s bursting into tears at his own announcement made into a Mister Microphone. The crowd’s boozy euphoria buoyed Biden while he laughed, drooled, and sang off-key “It’s a wonderful day in the neighbrohood…” Joe roared, “King Friday, Puppet of the People – He’s My Twin!”
Tom Hanks, Master Spirit
As if by magic, Tom Hanks turned a corner, hair full of confetti and COVID-19, proudly holding aloft Prince Tuesday as Joe Biden’s mouth popped open like an over-packed trunk. Hanks said, “Joe – He wouldn’t go to bed unless we said hi and congratulated you on this convention.” Joe’s eyes watered as King Friday arose and piped up in an odd, high voice, “Well, hello neighbor Joe!” Biden was so overwhelmed he instinctively shook a flask of Pappy van Winkle whiskey down his sleeve, kept for special occasions.
King Friday’s Ten Commands
After securing his lips to the whiskey flask, Joe’s eyes rolled back like a Lucky 8-Ball and he quickly lost consciousness. As he slipped into deep slumber, Joe snorted like a large warthog wriggling into a mud wallow, then was completely out. When Joe awoke, many days later, with a street sweeper ominously close, King Friday had departed, but left this exquisitely crafted note behind:
10 Golden Rules of Puppet Leadership
1. Never Go Off Script. The biggest rule of Puppet Kingship is to never think for yourself. This is exquisitely dangerous and not worth the risk.
2. Always Plagiarize.See above. If you can’t get your own thought leader to write a script, steal it from someone else.
3. When Confronted, Shout, “C’mon Man!!”When Joe is threatened, this triggers the “C’mon man!!” response. This is fight or flight reaction, happening deep in his autonomic defense system.
4. Sniff Hair While Kissing FemalesDoes Joe have a favorite shampoo?
5. Support Every Popular Liberal IdeaA politician can’t fail supporting the people’s opinion, even if changing weekly. That’s being a man of the people! C’mon Man! Obama called it, ‘Leading from behind.’ It’s especially helpful if you can’t even remember what you believed yesterday.
6. Progressive King Has a Big TentEven King Friday understands that remaining popular means accepting every liberal innovation.
7. Insult the Unconverted: 15% of Americans are “Bad People.”Biden said, “There are probably anywhere from 10-15% of the people out there that are just not very good people.”
8. Constantly Lie, Embellish and ConfabulateA Puppet King only passes what his party demands, especially with mush brains, and lies like the Devil to get support.
9. Avoid Termites at all CostsGoes without saying a wooden leader must avoid fires and termites.
10. NEW – Obey Every Command of Kamala