To the political leaders of America,

I write to you today regarding my concerns about the current state in which we find our beloved planet and your efforts in resolving the many issues we face.

Over the last decade, we have managed to allow our mighty position at the head of the table to dwindle down to a seat at the kids table, with our counsel being received as if it were that of a child making a suggestion on how to cure the world of evil: everyone thinks it is adorable, but no one takes it seriously.

To put it politely, you all are about as successful in global politics as an overweight middle-aged American with a severe case of tetanus trying to perform fellatio on himself.

Understanding that you have the attention span of indigenous forces undergoing rifle training, I give you the options of either reading this…