Category Humorous

Jun 25 2015

Dixon Diaz on Obama


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Apr 19 2015

FARM MATH


A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL IS 17
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem    Solved!

 

Apr 18 2015

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!


 

A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,  “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…” 
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do.  Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant.” 
The lawyer said,” Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said: “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore,
April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned…”  
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Apr 17 2015

Aphorism


Aphorism = “An aphorism is a concise statement that is made in a matter of fact tone to state a principle or an opinion that is generally understood to be a universal truth. Aphorisms are often adages, wise sayings and maxims aimed at imparting sense and wisdom. It is to be noted that aphorisms are usually witty and curt and often have an underlying tone of authority to them”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to 
   stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the 
      right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER…. 


“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON” 
Feb 26 2015

Barack Hussein Obama meets George Washington!


When President Barack Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He got in his face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”

Patrick Henry approached and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties, but you failed!”

James Madison followed and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next. He snarled, “It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The verbal beat down continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.

As the insulted Obama hung his head in shame, an angel appeared. Obama wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

The angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

“You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!”lums

Feb 14 2015

Happy Valentine’s Day


This is my last post today and I wanted to make it a more positive one then the previous ones —so
Valentines

Jan 29 2015

Does a Fast Food Worker need $15 and hour?


For those fast food employees striking for $15 an hour, let’s do some math.

At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy working 40 hours per week would make $30,000 annually.

An E1 (Private) in the military makes $18,378 annually.

An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067 annually.

So you’re telling me, Sally McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments, and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting an unskilled individual?

Here’s the deal Sweetheart Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in high school who is actually supposed to be learning how to work and earning enough for gas, movies, and hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals.

If you have chosen this as your life long profession, you have failed.

If you don’t want minimum wage, don’t have minimum skills.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it’s in English, thank a Veteran.

Jan 17 2015

It Didn’t Start With Obama: FDR ‘Rejected’ at the Gates of Hell


A poem about FDR that can be found in The Assault of Laughter: A Treasury of American Political Humor, edited and with an Introduction by Arthur P. Dudden (New York: Thomas Yoseloff, 1962), 499-500. “Rejected” is attributed to “Anonymous.”

There’s a very good discussion of “Rejected” in The Oxford Handbook of Modern and Contemporary American Poetry edited by Cary Nelson (pages 304-316). Here it’s attributed to V. M. Rodebaugh and was first printed in 1938.

“Rejected”

FDR at the Gates of Hell

A stranger stood at the Gates of hell
And the Devil himself answered the bell.
He looked him over from head to toe
And said: My friend, I’d like to know
What you have done in the line of sin
To entitle you to come within?

Then Franklin D, with his usual guile
Stepped forth with his toothy smile and said:

“When I took charge in ’33
A nations faith was mine,” said he.
“I promised them this and I promised them that
And I calmed them down with a fireside chat.

I spent their money in fishing trips
And fished from the decks of their battleships.
I gave them jobs in the WPA
Then raised their taxes and took it away.
I raised their wages and closed their shops
I killed their pigs and buried their crops
I double-crossed both old and young
And still the folks my praises sung.

I brought back beer, and what do you think?
I taxed it so high they couldn’t drink.
I furnished ’em money with Government loans
When they missed a payment I took their homes.

When I wanted to punish the folks, you know
I’d put my wife on the radio.
I paid them to let their farms lie still
And imported foodstuffs from Brazil.
I curtailed crops when I felt real mean
And shipped in crops from the Argentine.

When they started to worry, stew and fret
I got them to chant the alphabet
With the AAA and the NLB
The WPA and the CCC.
With these many units I got their goats
And still I crammed it down their throats.
My workers worked with the speed of snails
While the taxpayers chewed their fingernails.

When the organization needed dough
I closed their plants with the CIO.
I ruined jobs, I ruined health
And I put the screws on the rich man’s wealth.
And some who couldn’t stand the gaff
Would call on me and how I’d laugh.

When they got too strong on certain things
I’d pack and head for “Ole Warm Springs.”
I ruined their country, their homes and then
I placed the blame on “Nine Old Men.”

Now Franklin talked both long and loud
And the devil stood and his head he bowed.
At last he said: “Lets make it clear
You’ll have to move, you can’t stay here
For once you mingle with this mob,
I’ll have to find myself a job.”

Jan 15 2015

Subject: The Other One!


This joke involves two informed citizens, Jim and Bob, having a discourse about our idiot president. [H/T Young Conservatives.]
Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?”
Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean voter fraud?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 million right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Bob: “No the other one:.
Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails, and everything else?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s threat to impose gun control by executive order in order to bypass Congress?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
Bob: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
Sadly, like all of the best jokes, this one is solidly grounded in truth.
Dec 12 2014

Just for FUN!


We can’t be serious all the time so take a break and watch this video!